For my friend, my sister...

I had a friend

whose heart was stolen

and taken down a deep black cave.

Several friends tried to 

follow her down 

and help her find 

the precious-lost, 

but struggled in the unfamiliar, 

untrodden depths within. 

So I took a great grey chalk 

and colored myself 

shadow-coal 

to match the cave, 

and hunkered down 

to find the Precious-Soul 

searching for the 

precious-lost. 

I knew she might not see me 

for the darkness was impenetrable;

A thick iron shroud

hung low over the brow

that she couldn't move or see.

But I only wanted her to know

she wasn't alone,

and I wasn't afraid 

to be there with her. 

The darkness didn't frighten me,

After all, 

caves are familiar 

 to me.

"The LORD is near the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

"Finally, all of you,
be like-minded and sympathetic,
love as brothers,
be tender-hearted and humble."
1 Peter 3:8

A Letter of Return

I'm here, like You asked. Instead of running, I'm trying. 

Your Words have been like smooth salve melting over so many weary, thinned, rugged, worn-raw places. And I'm just so grateful, and touched, it is hard not to weep in relief. 

  You told me this morning, as I tried to close my eyes for a bit more weary sleep, that everything I needed, and wanted, and hoped for from others... 

-to heal those hurting wounds that just won't keep quiet, or sleep, or be-

-to stop the pain - 

-to dull the confusion- 

-to feel safe, and valued, and LOVED- 

-truly loved, for me. Not for what was wanted from me, or expected from me, but just for me -As is-

...that You would, and could, give me all of this. 

I tried to fall into You. Not just fall before You, or next to You, 

but literally, 

completely, 

wholly, 

without reserve, 

INTO You. 

Because I need that. I need to be so completely covered, hidden in Your heart, wrapped fully within Your very own soul, in order to feel okay, and confident, and reassured that I am indeed in that most protected, 

-atmosphere of sacredness- 

so I could finally just release it all.

Because we're not usually given that. 

The world teaches the opposite of what it is we need. 

And in turn we learn it isn't safe, not okay, to speak the unspoken. 

To bring light to the crouching dark. To question the unquestionable, 

even in moments of loss and confusion... 

So we hold in. 

Walk tentatively. 

Breathe cautiously. 

Swallow words unsaid. 

Ignore the crying heart, and tell ourselves it doesn't matter. 

-And in doing so, gradually lose ourselves completely.-

Until that precious beating heart
begins to still into its own deafening silence...

This is why You are needed. This Sacred Space within Your soul, is needed... 

To know that it still matters. All of it. 

That somehow, I still matter. All of me. 

Every speck and piece, broken shattered or weeping, unwanted, uncared for, left unattended, ignored unto death; 

that all of it matters, all of it counts, and all is not lost... 

That somehow in that Grace-Place, You would put the value that was not given, or assigned before. That You would show up, press in, and care
far enough, deep enough, and long enough 

to LOVE all.the.way through it... 

That there's safety here. 

Safety to be, and to become. Safety to rise up, and safety to rest.

Safety to take hold of courage, and safety to let go of the graves clothes, 

and the ghosts that follow...

 So, I'm here. I'm trying. 

To show up, press in, and care enough; to be Brave in the trembling. 

To trust Your Love really does go far enough, deep enough, and long enough
to be that precious Unfailing kind of Love we all so sorely need...

To trust You for You. 

To Believe You, again. 

I'm trying...

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love,

for you saw my affliction

and knew the anguish of my soul."
~Psalm 31:7 

"Lord, my God, I called to you for help,

and you healed me."
~Psalm 30:2

"You have kept count of my wanderings. Put my tears in your bottle-
Have not you recorded them in your book?"
~Psalm 56:8

"In Peace I will lie down and sleep, 

for you alone, Oh Lord, 

make me dwell in safety."
~Psalm 4:8

"Let your face shine on your servant;

save me in your unfailing love."
~Psalm 31:16

"Lord, I believe! Help me overcome my unbelief."
~Mark 9:24

ISO: Healer Needed

(Written in a "Spoken Word" format)

"To the pure in heart, all things are pure."

A simple quote, yet it ricochets around in the corners of my mind. 

I want to write back, "Yes, but this is how I'm taken advantage of." 

Because I never see it coming. 

I simply, don't. think. like. they. do. 

"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God" 

and yet the world repeatedly slaps me in the face with itself 

and I have to weigh that which is set before me, 

the "pure and impure" has become 

"the knowledge of good and evil." 

What a bitter fruit it can be to taste, and to swallow, 

when I never wanted any of it. at. all. 

And then what do you do in the wake of the World? 

When the pure of thought has been recklessly invaded 

and those who lived for love now must weigh-in someone else's hate? 

And I've been there as the one bruised, 

blinking back tears to the corners of my eyes, 

dripping into the dried dust beneath 

while staring at cloudless skies.  

And I've been there as the one applying pressure 

to the tourniquet of someone else's heart, 

telling them "it will be okay" 

in half white lies and half hopeful truths, 

all the while trying to make sense, 

trying to somehow get. back. to. 

never knowing this kind of hate. 

this kind of pain. 

this kind of, 

waste. 

Why? 

What gives a man the right to 

claim knowledge into another's heart 

and judge what is lacking 

or what is becoming, 

and if that is what is expected, 

or what is disappointing? 

when, 

(if we were ever truly honest with ourselves 

we would see) 

we don't know. our. own. hearts. 

where we are lacking, 

or where we are becoming, 

and if that becoming 

is something worth 

wanting. 

to. 

be. 

And in the midst of all this swirling, 

being the deep thinker that I am 

(and the deep feeler because I'm "sensitive" 

and probably shouldn't feel half the things I do) 

I can't ignore the cries and I can't stop picking up pieces 

and I can't help but notice the bleeding 

and crying with the wounded 

and screaming in indignation, 

and then having the wounded say to me, 

"Forgive them. They don't know what they do."

-blink blink. silence-

 Then I question:

 is it wrong then, to be angry, to be confused. 

Am I mistaken in feeling the things that I do? 

Am I one of the outsiders looking in thinking I'm an insider looking out 

or is there more to this that I'm missing? 

Is there more 

in following the perpetrator, 

in looking in, 

in seeing a black heart crying it's own cries of pain 

with it's own tourniquets bursting at the seams. 

With its own past and its own history, 

that at one time was "pure in heart" 

until it too came to "know both good and evil".

And now that lost heart, trying to self-heal the impossible,

with incapable hands and inadequate ability

and all the while justifying themselves,

the walking wounded

that knows no other way. to. be.

and it's then I see, 

that I realize, 

that I've been there, too.

The one broken down bleeding, 

and not seeing, not perceiving, 

and in that futility, and dire state of small, 

slow-walking death and limited thinking, 

breaking the innocent ones in my own path, 

without realizing what I was doing as I was doing it, 

for my own screams from within 

-drowned out- 

the wailing ones I left behind.

So then, 

how can I apply healing salve 

in one hand, 

and prepare for a stoning 

with. 

the. 

other?

And I look around

 Where does Grace end and where does it begin. 

Where is He in all of this? 

Is it more than picking up jagged pieces and lining cracks to edges,

 piecing together oldness to make newness

in a strange turn of events that originally produced brokenness, 

and trying to understand good from evil 

and why evil is evil 

when really I just want to 

go. 

back. 

to. 

purity. 

and be done with it.

And then I see Him, 

tending both "sides" because isn't it all born of the same?

Pain is pain

however it comes, or exists, subsists or remains.

And I realize all we've both ever really needed-

"the wounded" 

and

"the one wounding" 

is... 

A Healer. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,
and all are justified freely by his grace
through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ."
Romans 3:23

~*~
"We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
And the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all."
Isaiah 53:6

~*~
"When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples,
"Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
On hearing this, Jesus said,
"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
But go and learn what this means, 
'I desire mercy and not sacrifice.' 
For I have not come to call the righteous but sinners."
Matthew 9:11-13

~*~

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3


~*~
"Speak and act as those who are going to be judged
by the law that gives freedom,
because judgement without mercy will be
shown to anyone who has not been merciful.
Mercy triumphs over judgement."
James 2:12-13

~*~
"Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good.
Anyone who does what is good is from God.
Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God."
3 John 1:11

~*~
"Bear with each other and forgive one another
if any of you has a grievance against someone.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Colossians 3:13

The Courage To Fix My Gaze

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; 

fix your gaze directly before you." 

 Proverbs 4:25

~*~

There is power in fixing your gaze. Ask any dancer attempting to do turns the importance of directing their eyesight exactly of where they need to be and keeping it there, and they will tell you how their body will follow accordingly without becoming dizzy. Last week during a riding lesson my instructor reminded me to turn my head and focus my eyes where I wanted to go, and the horse would better be able to follow it. When we had our third child (a home birth) during transition I needed my Midwife's constant gaze and direct eye contact to ride out the double peaking contractions. She kept me grounded and without it I felt like I was floating away, like a kite caught in a windstorm with nothing to hold it secure. There is power in fixing your gaze. Especially when it is directed to a source of strength. This is easy when things are great, but not so much when life is hard or confusing.

Last week some things have happened in our household regarding my husband's work environment. I won't say it's a surprise storm that bellowed out of no where, but maybe a long building squall that has finally come to a frightening full strength. I walked my little four year old and my very upset self to my neighbor and just unleashed my inner storms. Fear, anger, frustration, indignation, desperation and a whole host of every other emotion resulting from wrongful persecution, a disdain for what is right, and evil being returned for good came tumbling out. This gave birth to copious tears and wads of snotty toilet paper, yet this sweet woman of God held me, cried with me, talked with me, and most importantly reminded me where I needed to be. Somewhere in my half rant and complete breakdown I said, "I know God's in control but..." and she interrupted me and said, "That's it! STAY there. Stay in THAT place, right there! Do not turn your gaze to the left or to the right. Just stay in that place." It's echoed in my head ever since. Stay in that place. Stay with what I know is true. Circumstances can change, but God is unchanging. He is our anchor and I don't have to be jerked about.

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."
 ~ Hebrews 6:19a

Riding home today from what I thought ended up being a fruitless trip into town, turned into a fruit-filled confirmation, and then an invitation. I had my radio set to a part of the dial I don't normally have on too often and managed to catch a podcast by a popular christian speaker I wasn't expecting. The topic was the importance of digging into hope, as in heels dug in and face set as flint, setting yourself firm and steady in it. Unrelentingly.
She said, "Don't always set your gaze on certain outcomes, but set your gaze firm on Christ. Put your hope on Him instead of your desired outcomes and you will never be disappointed. "...because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5) Hoping in God will not ever disappoint you because His peace will hold you securely and firmly in place while you are hoping in Him. Even if things turn out differently than you would have liked, you would have been happier in the waiting and will have a greater peace in the ending because you've been made aware how He has kept you firmly held all along."
So there's the confirmation! Stay firm and secure in hope, which will not disappoint, fix my gaze, dig in and do not turn to the left nor to the right... and yet somehow I'm reminded of Peter.

The Invitation

Poor Peter is criticized for a number of things, but one of them being the chastising words of Jesus, "why did you doubt?" (Matt 14:31)
But first let's not forget that Peter was the only one recorded to have even tried to get out of the rocking boat. For all his failures and moments of just not "getting it" Peter tried his hardest. He had heart, and he had commitment.
Let's look at the text in it's whole context:

"Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matt 14: 25-32)

First, Jesus gave them courage and rebuked fear. This was given freely from Him and was not done from their own strength.
After Jesus' affirmation it was Him, Peter believed and didn't just step out of the boat but actually successfully walked on the water towards Jesus. God equips us to do what is asked of us, and sometimes He also equips us to do what we ask of Him too. Never be afraid to ask God for an opportunity to join Him. He invites us to do so! (Matt 21:22)

Peter only started to sink when he took his gaze off of his Supernatural Strength and focused on the natural weaknesses: the circumstances that threatened him. How easy is it to do this! (And before you know it you're at your neighbors snotting on her shoulder)

Notice that Jesus didn't waste any time rescuing Peter?
"Immediately" means: At once;  instantly. Without any intervening time or space.
He is our ever present help in trouble and the *very moment* we turn our eyes (and our trust) back to Him, He instantly and at once, without any intervening time wasted, catches us and holds us firmly!

And oh those words, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" I truly do not read those as words of condemnation, and this is why:

If Peter really had little faith he never would have gotten out of the boat, nor would he have walked successfully as long as he did, nor would Jesus have had to question him. If the answer to Jesus's question was "Because Peter had little faith" then Jesus would have answered it himself in the same sentence. Think about it, "Why did you doubt?" "Umm, because I have little faith?" It just doesn't make sense.

I believe Jesus questioned him because Jesus knew Peter had it in him to keep going. I believe the "you of little faith" was said with a wry confident smile, and the "why did you doubt?" was said to remind Peter he has choices and his choices affect his ability to walk, or sink. Doubt was his split-second choice, yet it was his faith in Jesus that led him to immediately cry out for rescue. Peter had faith! He was just still learning how to use it, and sometimes taking the opportunity to identify our doubts and then choosing to identify Jesus as bigger, is exactly the place where we need to start.

I believe Jesus delights in a trying heart. He delights in the exercising of faith muscles. Even when we perceive our faith as "little" (or worry He sees it as "little") He's there to fill the gap for us and teach us all the ways He is bigger than our doubts and can be fully trusted. His steady gaze is there to remind us He is confident in us and He believes in us. His gaze never falters, it's ours that does. If we won't give into our doubts or fears and choose to take our gaze off of Him, He will empower us to walk safely in unsafe waters. And It's hard. It's REALLY hard! Not at all an easy thing to do when life is crashing about and howling in your eardrums! But He's bigger than the storms. He's bigger than the winds. He's bigger than our doubts. He will be proved capable and worshiped as the Son of God no matter if we step onto the sea or stay in the creaking boat, but it was the invitation to Peter that elevated the miracle from seeing Christ walking on water, to watching Christ empower Peter to join Him! He told Peter to "Come", He told Lazarus to "Come forth"(Jn 11:43), and He invites you and I to also join Him! And I want to join Him. Oh I want to prove Him capable! Oh how I want to step out and be unafraid! I want to glorify His name and show His strength capable beyond my weaknesses...

~But first I have to believe.

~And make the choice to fix my gaze. To not turn to the left or to the right.

~Then choose to leave my boats of "false security", proclaiming Him bigger than my current "boat" AND bigger than my current storms raging outside it.

~And I must accept his invitation of walking forward in His strength.

~Even if that means I am the only one to try.

With Him, Nothing is Wasted.

Remember the example I listed earlier of riding a horse? Chances are when we fix our gaze, we're not just fixing it for ourselves. Others are watching and maybe even following. I wonder if Peter knew the vast army of future water-walkers that would be encouraged in his "failed attempt" that day? And if he did inspire millions of future water-walkers to cry out to Jesus in the midst of their storms and respond by stepping out of their leaky boats, do you really think that his attempt was a "failed" one? I don't want Peter's experience to be a wasted example for me. I want to respond as Peter did and accept the courage Christ freely offers to step out of my boat and fix my gaze unrelentingly on Him. And even if I stumble as Peter did, Christ will still be proved capable, loving, steadfast, and worthy of all trust and all our praise, therefore no attempt is ever a wasted one. Remember His words, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

~*~*~*~

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, 

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 

“This is the way; walk in it.”

Isaiah 30:21

~*~

"So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

~*~

"But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord;

In you I take refuge—do not give me over to death."

Psalm 141:8

~*~

"Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,

I will not be disgraced.

Therefore have I set my face like flint,

and I know I will not be put to shame."

Isaiah 50:7

~*~

"Peace I leave with you;

my peace I give you.

I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled

and do not be afraid."

John 14:27

Just testing

Just a test blog as I become familiar with how things work, always awaiting the inspiration to drop, like dye in a cup, slowly ebbing out and coloring what was previously left ordinary...