I'm here, like You asked. Instead of running, I'm trying.
Your Words have been like smooth salve melting over so many weary, thinned, rugged, worn-raw places. And I'm just so grateful, and touched, it is hard not to weep in relief.
You told me this morning, as I tried to close my eyes for a bit more weary sleep, that everything I needed, and wanted, and hoped for from others...
-to heal those hurting wounds that just won't keep quiet, or sleep, or be-
-to stop the pain -
-to dull the confusion-
-to feel safe, and valued, and LOVED-
-truly loved, for me. Not for what was wanted from me, or expected from me, but just for me -As is-
...that You would, and could, give me all of this.
I tried to fall into You. Not just fall before You, or next to You,
but literally,
completely,
wholly,
without reserve,
INTO You.
Because I need that. I need to be so completely covered, hidden in Your heart, wrapped fully within Your very own soul, in order to feel okay, and confident, and reassured that I am indeed in that most protected,
-atmosphere of sacredness-
so I could finally just release it all.
Because we're not usually given that.
The world teaches the opposite of what it is we need.
And in turn we learn it isn't safe, not okay, to speak the unspoken.
To bring light to the crouching dark. To question the unquestionable,
even in moments of loss and confusion...
So we hold in.
Walk tentatively.
Breathe cautiously.
Swallow words unsaid.
Ignore the crying heart, and tell ourselves it doesn't matter.
-And in doing so, gradually lose ourselves completely.-
Until that precious beating heart
begins to still into its own deafening silence...
This is why You are needed. This Sacred Space within Your soul, is needed...
To know that it still matters. All of it.
That somehow, I still matter. All of me.
Every speck and piece, broken shattered or weeping, unwanted, uncared for, left unattended, ignored unto death;
that all of it matters, all of it counts, and all is not lost...
That somehow in that Grace-Place, You would put the value that was not given, or assigned before. That You would show up, press in, and care
far enough, deep enough, and long enough
to LOVE all.the.way through it...
That there's safety here.
Safety to be, and to become. Safety to rise up, and safety to rest.
Safety to take hold of courage, and safety to let go of the graves clothes,
and the ghosts that follow...
So, I'm here. I'm trying.
To show up, press in, and care enough; to be Brave in the trembling.
To trust Your Love really does go far enough, deep enough, and long enough
to be that precious Unfailing kind of Love we all so sorely need...
"I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul."
~Psalm 31:7
"Lord, my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me."
~Psalm 30:2
"You have kept count of my wanderings. Put my tears in your bottle-
Have not you recorded them in your book?"
~Psalm 56:8
"In Peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, Oh Lord,
make me dwell in safety."
~Psalm 4:8
"Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love."
~Psalm 31:16
"Lord, I believe! Help me overcome my unbelief."
~Mark 9:24
